Every Marriage is Work

I have a few single friends that are ready for marriage.  In speaking to them, one thing that either doesn't occur to them or it scares them, is that marriage is work.  This is a truth that is inescapable, but it isn't a truth that should be dreaded.

The worst marriages are like a demolition job, tons of energy going into tearing down each other and everything you've built together. Without proper care, people will get hurt and when you're done there's nothing left but rubble.

Some marriages aren't as tragic...they're more like clearing the brush from an abandoned piece of property. It takes a lot of energy, there's a possibility of getting hurt and sometimes it's best to bring in professionals before too much harm is done. When you're done you're left with a bare piece of land. You might be able to build something on it, if you've still got the energy and/or desire.

The best marriages are like tending a garden. The work is done lovingly and with pride, working with nature instead of against it. The resulting paradise is worth every drop of sweat.

Length Isn't Everything

I had a family member ask me recently, "Why in the world, when black women are fighting for every last inch of hair length, would you cut your hair."

 At the time I tried to explain that I was "going natural" in many aspects of my life. I also pointed out that the length I had before wasn't healthy. After he left...as so often happens to me...I came up with the most concise and accurate answer: Going natural isn't as much about a hairstyle as it is about a lifestyle.

When I began this journey I had a lot of reasons: money, ease, living clean and chemical free, rejecting media controlled standards of beauty and exploring my identity as a black woman in America.  The one reason that kept me from doing it for a long time was...well...I was fighting for every last inch of hair length.  I knew going natural would eventually result in my having to cut off my relaxed hair.  I tried to hold on to as much length as possible by transitioning, but that didn't last.  When I finally did my big chop I was pleasantly surprised at how much I loved the short hair.

So here's my question: Why have we equated long hair with beauty?  There are countless blogs, charts, products and videos all geared towards the goal of long hair.  So many naturalistas set length goals for themselves.  My goal is healthy hair.  If my healthy hair also happens to be long hair, so be it, but I'll be beautiful regardless.

Expectation is the Mother of Disappointment

This is a saying my husband and I have.  We usually apply it to the relationships we see crumbling (or never getting off to a good start ) around us.  We analyze and pick apart the people in these relationships and generally come to the conclusion that one or both of them had expectations that were disappointed.  Often times those expectations were ridiculous and unrealistic.

Over the years I've come to apply the same saying to a variety of situations in life...work, parenting and now natural hair.  Whenever I hear a woman say she's unhappy with her natural hair or disappointed by her journey I always ask myself the following questions:

1. What did she expect it to be? 

2. Did she think she could make her natural hair do what her relaxed hair did? 

3. Is her "hair crush" more than a crush...and actually a goal?

When you find yourself disappointed in life, whether it's something important like love, or less important like your hair, check your expectations first.  Were they reasonable? Was there any way for them to be realized?  Once you've answered these questions honestly, the road ahead is usually pretty clear.

Shrinkage, Stretching and Growth

Last night I tried banding for the first time.  This is a heat-free method of stretching the hair.  It's officially been 3 months since my big chop and I wanted to really see how much my hair has grown. 

First, I sectioned my hair into 6 parts.  I spritzed each section with water, detangled and used ouchless hair bands to band each section.  I took pictures after banding just one side.  Comparing the banded and un-banded section you can already get a good idea of the shrinkage I'm dealing with.

 When I took the bands out this morning my hair was still slightly damp, but I went ahead and picked my afro out anyway.

 

For a comparison, here's my hair right after my big chop.

Looks to be about an inch of growth, which is perfectly average and completely predictable...LOL!

My final style for the day is a big high poof, made easier due to the stretching.

I don't know! And that's okay.

"I don't know!"

When it comes to most subjects, I hate those three words.  I hate not knowing about...well...anything.  If I have to say I don't know, I am immediately making sure I know in the future.  I'm googling, binging, yahooing until I have a complete mastery of the subject...except when it comes to my natural hair...

Now don't get me wrong.  I did plenty of research when I decided to go natural.  I continued my course of study as I transitioned (I'm so grateful YouTube is free).  I knew everything I could possibly know about the structure of natural hair, it's needs and wants, the products I should and shouldn't use, possible styles and treatments.  What I didn't know was what my own personal hair freed from chemicals and unburdened by treated hair would actually do.

I wore my hair up in a high poof for the first time this week.  I'm almost 3 months post-Big Chop (10 days shy of the lunarversary) and until this week my hair wasn't long enough to stay under the band all the way around.  My supervisor asked me if my hair grows fast. I told her, with what I know was a crazed, but happy look on my face, "I don't know!"  When my hair was relaxed, the rate of breakage almost always matched or surpassed my rate of growth.  I had little to no length retention, so I had no idea how fast my hair grew. 

Everything about this journey is new.  Will my hair curl tomorrow?  I don't know!  Will it stay stretched for more than 4 hours?  *shrugs shoulders*  For once, the thrill of discovery has outweighed my need to know.

Bad Natural Hair Days

So I know bad hair days are going to happen whether I'm relaxed or natural, but right now with my hair so short bad hair days seem a lot harder to fix without stepping in the shower and starting from scratch.

I had an idea for a hair style, based on some I've seen demonstrated on YouTube.  Last night I started braiding.  Once I started I couldn't stop.  When I was done I wasn't in love with it, but I convinced myself that in the morning with some fluffing it would be alright.

This morning, there wasn't enough fluffing in the world to counteract the weird shape my head appeared to be between the braids and the free hair.  Basically I'd braided too far back.  I refused to waste all that braiding time by just undoing everything this morning, plus if I had unbraided it I'd have had stretched braid out hair in the front and curly afro in the back...not cute.
So I partially unbraided the braids, did an abbreviated wash 'n go in the back and slapped on a head band.  I'm still not in love with it, but it was good enough to go to work.

What do you think?

My Big Chop

So I did it.  I got tired of dealing with two textures of hair and I was ready to cut it off myself.  Luckily my sister called and talked me down (Put down the scissors...now.).  My niece, fresh out of beauty school but not yet working, cut it for me for a reasonable price.  That was two weeks ago...and as scared as I was, I love it.  I almost don't want to grow it out.

Here are the best things about my TWA (teeny-weeny afro):

5.  Styling...while my options are somewhat limited, the things I can do are easy and low maintenance.  Afro, pushed back afro, pinned up afro, wash 'n go, twists, braids...

4.  Rain...no umbrella? no problem.  My hair can take it.

3.  Money...store bought products are a little pricey, but I don't have much hair so I don't use much product.

2.  Accessories...it's like I've got more room to explore now.  Hair accessories, jewelry, clothes, make-up...whatever I want!

1.  Driving...I can ride with the window down at 60 mph and my hair doesn't move!