Length Isn't Everything

I had a family member ask me recently, "Why in the world, when black women are fighting for every last inch of hair length, would you cut your hair."

 At the time I tried to explain that I was "going natural" in many aspects of my life. I also pointed out that the length I had before wasn't healthy. After he left...as so often happens to me...I came up with the most concise and accurate answer: Going natural isn't as much about a hairstyle as it is about a lifestyle.

When I began this journey I had a lot of reasons: money, ease, living clean and chemical free, rejecting media controlled standards of beauty and exploring my identity as a black woman in America.  The one reason that kept me from doing it for a long time was...well...I was fighting for every last inch of hair length.  I knew going natural would eventually result in my having to cut off my relaxed hair.  I tried to hold on to as much length as possible by transitioning, but that didn't last.  When I finally did my big chop I was pleasantly surprised at how much I loved the short hair.

So here's my question: Why have we equated long hair with beauty?  There are countless blogs, charts, products and videos all geared towards the goal of long hair.  So many naturalistas set length goals for themselves.  My goal is healthy hair.  If my healthy hair also happens to be long hair, so be it, but I'll be beautiful regardless.

Expectation is the Mother of Disappointment

This is a saying my husband and I have.  We usually apply it to the relationships we see crumbling (or never getting off to a good start ) around us.  We analyze and pick apart the people in these relationships and generally come to the conclusion that one or both of them had expectations that were disappointed.  Often times those expectations were ridiculous and unrealistic.

Over the years I've come to apply the same saying to a variety of situations in life...work, parenting and now natural hair.  Whenever I hear a woman say she's unhappy with her natural hair or disappointed by her journey I always ask myself the following questions:

1. What did she expect it to be? 

2. Did she think she could make her natural hair do what her relaxed hair did? 

3. Is her "hair crush" more than a crush...and actually a goal?

When you find yourself disappointed in life, whether it's something important like love, or less important like your hair, check your expectations first.  Were they reasonable? Was there any way for them to be realized?  Once you've answered these questions honestly, the road ahead is usually pretty clear.

Shrinkage, Stretching and Growth

Last night I tried banding for the first time.  This is a heat-free method of stretching the hair.  It's officially been 3 months since my big chop and I wanted to really see how much my hair has grown. 

First, I sectioned my hair into 6 parts.  I spritzed each section with water, detangled and used ouchless hair bands to band each section.  I took pictures after banding just one side.  Comparing the banded and un-banded section you can already get a good idea of the shrinkage I'm dealing with.

 When I took the bands out this morning my hair was still slightly damp, but I went ahead and picked my afro out anyway.

 

For a comparison, here's my hair right after my big chop.

Looks to be about an inch of growth, which is perfectly average and completely predictable...LOL!

My final style for the day is a big high poof, made easier due to the stretching.

I don't know! And that's okay.

"I don't know!"

When it comes to most subjects, I hate those three words.  I hate not knowing about...well...anything.  If I have to say I don't know, I am immediately making sure I know in the future.  I'm googling, binging, yahooing until I have a complete mastery of the subject...except when it comes to my natural hair...

Now don't get me wrong.  I did plenty of research when I decided to go natural.  I continued my course of study as I transitioned (I'm so grateful YouTube is free).  I knew everything I could possibly know about the structure of natural hair, it's needs and wants, the products I should and shouldn't use, possible styles and treatments.  What I didn't know was what my own personal hair freed from chemicals and unburdened by treated hair would actually do.

I wore my hair up in a high poof for the first time this week.  I'm almost 3 months post-Big Chop (10 days shy of the lunarversary) and until this week my hair wasn't long enough to stay under the band all the way around.  My supervisor asked me if my hair grows fast. I told her, with what I know was a crazed, but happy look on my face, "I don't know!"  When my hair was relaxed, the rate of breakage almost always matched or surpassed my rate of growth.  I had little to no length retention, so I had no idea how fast my hair grew. 

Everything about this journey is new.  Will my hair curl tomorrow?  I don't know!  Will it stay stretched for more than 4 hours?  *shrugs shoulders*  For once, the thrill of discovery has outweighed my need to know.

Bad Natural Hair Days

So I know bad hair days are going to happen whether I'm relaxed or natural, but right now with my hair so short bad hair days seem a lot harder to fix without stepping in the shower and starting from scratch.

I had an idea for a hair style, based on some I've seen demonstrated on YouTube.  Last night I started braiding.  Once I started I couldn't stop.  When I was done I wasn't in love with it, but I convinced myself that in the morning with some fluffing it would be alright.

This morning, there wasn't enough fluffing in the world to counteract the weird shape my head appeared to be between the braids and the free hair.  Basically I'd braided too far back.  I refused to waste all that braiding time by just undoing everything this morning, plus if I had unbraided it I'd have had stretched braid out hair in the front and curly afro in the back...not cute.
So I partially unbraided the braids, did an abbreviated wash 'n go in the back and slapped on a head band.  I'm still not in love with it, but it was good enough to go to work.

What do you think?

My Big Chop

So I did it.  I got tired of dealing with two textures of hair and I was ready to cut it off myself.  Luckily my sister called and talked me down (Put down the scissors...now.).  My niece, fresh out of beauty school but not yet working, cut it for me for a reasonable price.  That was two weeks ago...and as scared as I was, I love it.  I almost don't want to grow it out.

Here are the best things about my TWA (teeny-weeny afro):

5.  Styling...while my options are somewhat limited, the things I can do are easy and low maintenance.  Afro, pushed back afro, pinned up afro, wash 'n go, twists, braids...

4.  Rain...no umbrella? no problem.  My hair can take it.

3.  Money...store bought products are a little pricey, but I don't have much hair so I don't use much product.

2.  Accessories...it's like I've got more room to explore now.  Hair accessories, jewelry, clothes, make-up...whatever I want!

1.  Driving...I can ride with the window down at 60 mph and my hair doesn't move!

The Dying Art of Conversation

I went to a baby shower the other day at a restaurant and there were a few kids there.  After everyone ordered and we were waiting the adults were all chatting, but the kids were glued to various hand held games (DS, smartphone, my not-so-smart phone).  I looked at my mother and indicating the children said, "This is why conversation is a dying art." 

Conversation, the art of conversing, used to be a taught skill.  In Victorian novels an accomplished woman could sew, paint, play the piano, sing and CONVERSE.  This is of course before smartphones, TVs or even radio.  When adults gathered they relied on each other for entertainment.  One of the things that made men respected, women attractive and children the pride of their parents was the ability to carry on a conversation on a variety of topics and with the proper amount of familiarity, respect, wit and humor.

I've decided to bring this art form back with my sons.  No more passing them my phone whenever they have to wait for more than 10 minutes.  More family dinners around the table.  They will learn to converse (not conversate...major pet peeve) intelligently. 

What do you think?

Introducing the GC (Gradual Chop)

Just a little hair update...

I've been transitioning for a few months now.  I'm not really sure how long since it took awhile before I was definitely going natural as opposed to just late on my next relaxer.  So anyway, my loving husband has been urging me to cut my hair.  Among naturalistas this is referred to as the "Big Chop" or BC.  I decided pretty early on that this wasn't really an option as far as I was concerned.  I don't like my face too much with short hair and this would be super short hair!  Now the transitioning journey generally still ends with a BC, when after a few inches of natural hair has grown all the remaining relaxed hair is cut.  I don't have the emotional fortitude for a BC. 

Now I haven't seen it anywhere else, so I don't know if this is a thing or not, so I'm introducing the GC...Gradual Chop.  According to experts hair grows a 1/2 inch per month.  Every month I cut approximately 1-2 inches of hair.  Not only am I cutting it faster than it's growing but I'm cutting relaxed length in exchange for curly length.  Bottom-line is my hair is getting shorter, I'm getting closer and closer to a head full of natural hair only and I'm learning how to deal with less and less "rescue hair", which is what I call the relaxed hair that I use to cover natural hair when a style has gone very wrong, very flat or is non-existent.

Imagine Linus (from Peanuts) having his blanket cut shorter and shorter until he's finally left with a pocket square...

Relationship Evaluation: Survivor or The Amazing Race

So I was watching the Survivor finale when a commercial for The Amazing Race comes on and I realize, those two shows perfectly charactarize my current and previous relationships.

My previous relationship was like Survivor.  Harsh conditions, deception, challenges, injuries, moments of fun and beauty, but ultimately only one of us was going to make it out alive.  It sounds exciting, but more than anything it was...dramatic. 

My currently relationship, my almost 10 year marriage to my best friend, is like The Amazing Race.  We started together, we'll end together.  We face obstacles and challenges, but we get through them by working together, communicating and compromising.  There are moments of fun and beauty and moments of conflict, but the overall feeling is one of accomplishment and love.

What reality show would you compare your relationship to?

Friendship 101

If anyone knows where this class is being taught, please let me know.  Like so many of life's lessons, this is one where I'm constantly learning.  Given my current life goals, it's also an aspect of my life that I'm evaluating.

I don't have many friends (unless you count Facebook friends...of which I have 272).  Friendships have always been difficult for me.  As a little girl I was painfully shy and very sheltered.  Non-family social interaction wasn't a priority for my parents...sometimes these interactions were even discouraged.  Most of my friends growing up were my cousins.  My non-family friends were the children of my parents' friends.  Half-way through high school we moved half-way across the country.  Making friends was complicated by my lack of experience and being the new girl in a school district where most of my classmates had either known each other since pre-school, or were bussed in from the city.

So the basics of friendship are what?  Wikipedia (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Friendship) lists these:

• The tendency to desire what is best for the other
• Sympathy and empathy
• Honesty, perhaps in situations where it may be difficult for others to speak the truth, especially in terms of pointing out the perceived faults of one's counterpart
• Mutual understanding and compassion; ability to go to each other for emotional support
• Enjoyment of each other's company
• Trust in one another
• Positive reciprocity — a relationship is based on equal give-and-take between the two parties.
• The ability to be oneself, express one's feelings and make mistakes without fear of judgement.

Given these parameters, not including my husband (who is unequivocally my best friend), I've only got a handful of real friends in this world.  Do I want more?  Not really.  I've always been a quality over quantity type person.  What I want is to be a better friend...make sure that my true friends feel appreciated and loved.  Guess I've got some phone calls to make!

Sugar, Salt and Fat

In my quest to get back to basics, I’ve been changing my diet.  The goal is to eat clean, fresh, simple, one ingredient, unprocessed, unrefined foods.  Result…I’m running out of things to eat.

I don’t have a huge amount of time to devote to cooking.  I work and I’ve got a husband and two kids.  It’s not possible to make everything from scratch using fresh organic ingredients…neither my schedule nor my budget will allow for that.  So we have canned, packaged, frozen and otherwise convenience items in the kitchen.  I try to use them sparingly and yet…

Here’s the thing: sugar, salt and fat are the things that make food taste good.  Whenever I cut back on one or two, I find myself elbow deep in the other.  I’ve radically reduced my sugar and fat intake in order to keep to a low calorie diet, so my daily sodium is generally twice what it ought to be.  Besides being bad for my cardiovascular health, it makes me retain water, so it’s hard to see the progress I’ve made.  I’m puffy!

I’m trying to figure out how to work this new challenge out, but it’s difficult.  If anyone has any suggestions, holla at me.  Thanks!

Quit Playing With Your Hair

"Quit playing with your hair."  Every little black girl has heard this from their mother at some point or another.  I certainly heard it from my mother. Whether my hair was freshly washed and I was playing with my still damp fro or she had just completed hours of braiding and she didn't want me to make it fuzzy.  It was always, "Quit playing with your hair."  And then later when I got it relaxed, she still didn't want me to play with it.  She knew how fragile my newly relaxed hair was and she didn't want it to break off. 

When I finally got to an age when I could do my own hair she encouraged me to do my hair and then leave it alone.  Don't play with it.  I didn't listen.  I brushed and combed, used blow dryers and curling irons, clips and hairbands.  I even did that thing where I rolled my hair up in a comb thinking that would curl it only to have to have the whole thing cut out. 

And 20 years later, here we are. I'm going natural.  One reason is I'm tired of all the damage I've done to my hair over the years playing with it.  Styling my transitioning hair I've learned one thing really quickly.  I need to quit playing with it.  Style it and then leave it alone.  My hair doesn't require that much handling.  In fact over-handling just results in a frizzy crazy looking mess.  Plus, transitioning hair is especially fragile right at the point between the natural and the relaxed hair shaft.

Today I'm rocking cornrows.  I've been experimenting and playing with my hair for weeks.  Time to give it a rest.

Hey Naturalistas! Show Me the Money!

When I talk to other woman that are going natural (big chop or transition) I always get a few different reasons why.  One of the main reasons that keeps coming up is that  relaxed hair is expensive to maintain.  Touch-ups every 6-8 weeks to the tune of $80+, and then wash and sets every or every other week if you always need to look salon fresh.  People that know me know I'm thrifty (my husband says cheap, but whatever).  Money was definitely one of my reasons for going natural.  This sentiment seemed pervasive as many of the natural hair websites and YouTube channels that I frequent really emphasize using natural products in the hair...often time using tubs of concoctions that they've whipped up in their kitchens.  I've seen hair washed with apple cider vinegar, warm oil treatments with olive oil and a mayo hair mask.  Enter free enterprise...

I was so happy to discover that my favorite line of hair products while I was relaxing was creating a line of products for natural hair.  I was anxious about mixing things up in my kitchen.  I rushed right out and bought one of the items.  Then as I started looking around more I noticed that quite a few of the "relaxing" companies are introducing natural hair product lines.  Instead of trying to convince an ever growing market base to come back to the "creamy crack", these companies have instead decided to cash in on our dependency on convenience.  As far as I can see thus far on my natural journey, even buying these ready-made products, I'll still save a bunch of money going natural.  The next concern of course is the quality of said products.  Just like food...read the ingredients.  Educate yourself.

Now we just need more hairdressers to stop acting like the naturalista movement is a personal attack on their livelihood and figure out how to get in on this cash cow.  Too many hairdressers alienate new naturalistas by pressuring them to relax or by not knowing how to care for or cut natural hair.  It's called supply and demand.  We're demanding while a very lucky few are supplying.

My Natural/Corporate Image

Going natural (big chop or transitioning from relaxed) in a corporate environment probably isn't as big a deal now as it used to be, but it's still a challenge.

In college I considered locks, but knew my goal was to work in a corporate office.  I decided not to create any additional barriers to that goal.  I didn't lock up, I didn't get any tattoos (also cuz i'm a scaredy cat) and I only have two earring holes in each ear.  For the last ten years my corporate style has been very sleek and proper, even when my office decided to change from business casual to just casual.  I've slowly gotten used to wearing jeans and sneakers to work and even the occasional t-shirt (always either plain or with company logo).  But my hair....

As I'm transitioning from relaxed to natural hair, I've found that I have to re-adjust my view of what's appropriate "work hair".  I did a braid-out one morning that was awesome!  It was wavy and big and fierce and...definitely "club hair".  I sadly pulled it back into something I thought was more appropriate for work.  Today I'd probably wear it.  I'm becoming more confident...not so much in my hair, as my ability to rock whatever it wants to do.

Change is Constant but Sacrifice Isn't?

We've got this new "thing" at work where they're overhauling the way that we do...pretty much everything...in four phases.  The first two phases are Assessment (baseline measurements) and Deep Dive (getting to the heart of the problems).  I did my personal assessment earlier this year when I declined to make any New Year Resolutions...not because there weren't things I needed to work on, but because the change I was seeking was deeper than:

1.  Exercise more.
2.  Go on a diet...again.
3.  Be nicer to small humans living rent free in your house.

So this blog is part of my Deep Dive.  And...Lent starts today.  Double Deep Dive.

My spirituality has changed constantly over the years.  I was raised in the church, but my personal commitment has at various times wavered, disappeared and reappeared with a vengeance.  This happens to be a "vengeance" year.  I've been doing Bible study with my boys and I'm contemplating giving something up for Lent, hence my Facebook post: 

Trying to decide what I'm giving up for Lent...it'll be either chocolate or cussing...but not both. If I don't have chocolate, there will be cussing.

The theme of Lent is sacrifice.  What Jesus sacrificed for us and what we're willing to sacrifice for 40 days in thankful response. 

What's the link?  It seems that change always involves sacrifice, even when we're changing for the better.  We have to sacrifice old thought patterns and comfort zones.  Since change is constant, so should sacrifice and perhaps sacrifice shouldn't be something that necessarily causes us sadness or feels like a deprivation.  During Lent we sacrifice willingly and with a glad heart.  That willingness to sacrifice in order to change for the better should be constant.

First Post

For my very first blog post, I thought I should take a moment to explain the name "A gwan back yard".  Anyone that knows me, knows I am insanely proud of my Jamaican heritage.  "A gwan back yard" is patois for going home, or more abstractly (for my purposes) discovering and getting back to one's roots.  Like most Gen-Xers, I'm on a perpetual journey of self-discovery, but more personally I feel the need to get back to basics.

All the strongest, smartest, ideal women that I know are in my family and Jamaican, whether they were born on the island or not.  My mother is the paragon of patience.  There's no stopping my Aunt Julie when she's got a goal in mind.  And my late grandmother was so incredibly strong, eloquent and intelligent.  I'm taking pages out of their books and moving forward on a new foot.

Speaking of roots, I've also started a hair journey, from relaxed to natural.  It's been interesting so far and I can't wait to see what all I learn as I progress...about my hair and about myself.